i hardly have time for anything anymore. not even for my best friends. at this point i dont know whether i love this job or not. it is taking over my life. when i was younger, i was proud of being a workaholic. i love working on holidays or weekends. i love devoting my life to work. eventho it is only making lmc richer than he already is. but now my priority is totally different. i wanna be able to take my time in my prayers without having to rush for meetings or finishing my reports. i wanna be able to spend time relaxing, something that i seldom do anymore. i wanna spend time with my best friends during my last days/months in kl. i wanna have my tuition classes without having to cancel them, and be prepared beforehand! i wanna go to mf for my neverending sessions and see results!! i wanna…. i wanna…. i wanna QUIT!!!

but i can’t. i need to stay in this job. i’ve already submitted my name for the transfer to the state office. but i’ve been having second thoughts and doubts. i know for sure that the work will be alot more cos i’ll be the only officer in charge and i’ll be working under the head now whom i know well but dont quite like. and worse, i need to adapt to their culture, i need to work with the strangers whose expectations will be high. and they hate us. they hate us for moving to the state and taking over their territories. and if they think i love taking over their job, then they’re dead wrong. i hate to work there as much as they hate having us around. but what choice do i have??? if i wanna be with him, this is the only way.

but should i stay here? where will i stay? how are we gonna maintain this long distance marriage? what’s the point of being married if i still need to be alone, eat alone, sleep alone…and worse, cry alone? but can i survive over there? eventho it’s alot of work here, at least i’m already well-versed in my job. and here i know everybody. this is a tough one. i should solat istikharah…but i haven’t…

my darling best friend…i’m so sorry for not being there for u. i know u’re having a hard time and maybe my presence won’t really make a difference cos i’m not the one u’re waiting for. but i wanna be there. i just want u to know that i wanna be there. but i couldn’t. and i’m terribly sorry…