it was 6th of feb. just 2 days ago but the scenes are still so fresh in my mind like it just happened. that morning i went to ipoh…not a social visit…but i had to attend a meeting in JPN Perak. my boss decided on me going at 5.30 pm the previous day, so i wasn’t mentally prepared and of cos not prepared at all in terms of data, status and all of perak issues. i mean, in normal circumstances, of cos i would jump at the opportunity of going to ipoh. i would even beg my boss to let me go to ipoh meetings! but this time was different cos i needed to attend a course in PD in the evening and i know i would be exhausted. i’m aging…i’m no longer 24 or 25 when i could just drive from jb to alor setar or from perlis to kerteh like i had to do during working with lmc. i’m near the big 3! and i dont have the energy anymore. but nevertheless, i agreed. well…i had no choice. i couldn’t just say no. who would go then?

well, that morning i went late than i planned. i couldn’t wake up cos i was so tired. i had tuition the night b4 and i haven’t packed. so i went out a bit late. the cheras highway was unbelievably jammed up until federal hway. i mean, the meeting is at 9.30 but i was stuck in that jam until 8.15. how am i gonna make it to ipoh in just 1 hour plus??? i drove so fast. faster than i had usually driven b4. i was scared but i just drove…with nothing else on my mind except i had to make it on time. i wanted to just turn back during the jams…but i couldnt. i mean, i know my responsibility. i had to be present in that meeting or else we’ll have bad reputation. so i reached there at 9.45. of cos the meeting already started but i wasnt so late so it was okay.

i wasnt prepared with all the issues, so the meeting didnt go all that well. not for me, at least. i was bombarded with issues that i know nothing about. but i just kept quiet. i was too tired to argue. i was no longer the strong headed person i used to be back when i was working with lmc. now i’m just a laid back person. i dont care that much anymore. i told them that i’ll try to bring the issues to my big bosses. as if the bosses will listen…as if they’ll take any action about it. i’m giving up on them…there’s nothing that i can do about it…

then i had lunch at his house. i think ipoh road is not that confusing after all. i made it alone back to his house. but i think he didnt look that happy and i felt sad inside. maybe he was still upset about this morning. when i was in the jam, i called him. but i was mad at him cos he asked me why didnt i take the putrajaya route. ok, maybe i would have, had i known that this road was gonna be this jammed up. but that is not a solution. it only made me more upset. why must u talk about sthing that had already been done. we must talk about what we can do about it, now…not before!!! so i was upset at him. but he must try to put himself in my position. but then again, maybe he wont feel this upset cos he was such a cool person. well, i’m not!!!

so, i went back to kl after lunch feeling a bit down. he didnt msg me like he always does, wishing me to have a safe jouney, to drive carefully. i was down. i made a few stops, in tapah, in restoran jejantas. all the while, i wasnt feeling good. maybe it was my intuition that sthing bad is gonna happen. i really wanted to eat keropok udang. finally i found it in the petrol station during one of the stops. i was asking myself, why…am i craving as if i’m not gonna live to eat it again?

so i was already late cos of the stops. so all i could think about was that i must stop in my ofis to get some stuff b4 picking up jie and ayu. i dont wanna be arriving in pd that late. then, again i’ll be tired cos the 1st session would start tonite. it was approaching 5 pm. i was already in putrajaya. but instead of taking the 2nd exit to the office, i went out at 1st exit and when i realised that it was the exit to the hospital, i decided to go straight thru the traffic lights and go down back into the highway.

the light was yellow. not a problem, i was thinking. i wanna go straight, not making a turn. so naturally, i went straight and i think the light just turned red when i went across the white line. but i immediately regret it as i saw a kancil heading my way from the right side. i tried to accelerate but i guess he was going too fast and the next thing i knew…BANG!!! my car went spinning 180 degrees. it all happened so fast. when i finally realised what was happening, my right foot still at the accelerator. i almost hit the kancil again as the car was now in front of me. it seemed the kancil also spinned 180 degrees. i quickly stepped on the brake and pulled the handbrake. the kancil owner, a tough guy was already out of his car and yelling at me. he was yelling at me to get out of the car. at first i was really desperate to get out of the car cos i was afraid the car would explode or sthing. but my door was really dented so it couldnt be open. i called out for him to help open the door but he ignored me. then finally it hit me that i should be calling for help. so i searched for my phone that had flewn when the car was spinning, i guess… the first person i called was k dah. i felt like crying cos i was so panicked. but no tears came out. then i called ramzi. then after awhile, i climbed out or the car from the co-driver’s side door. that guy immediately yelled at me, but i guess i had picked up the courage and i said that it wasn’t my fault. the light was still yellow. then a few people began coming and then the police came. i felt a bit scared but i tell myself that i’m not guilty until proven. so i began calling k na, bro net and jie. and i finally i called him. i knew that he would be rushing to locum and then he would be praying asar. so i didn’t wanna disturb him. it’s amazing when i could still care for him during my time of emergency. well, when i told him, i dont know what was he feeling. maybe he’s relieved bcos i’m ok since i was the one calling him not someone else to notify him about the accident. but i want him to be panicked. i want him to sound concerned. i want him to tell me that everything is ok.

the forensic began taking pictures of the cars like in some crime scenes or sthing. then we had to wait for my insurance panel workshop to come to tow my car. then i realised that my left foot was hurting so bad that i felt like i couldnt walk. and one of the policemen was telling me about blood clot and internal bleeding, and he was telling me that i’d better do a checkup. i was already feeling anxious and i was hyperventilating again. i just couldn’t breathe. but i was telling myself to relax. i went for checkup but luckily there’s no fracture at my left leg. then i went to do the police report. and after the police interrogation, i was found guilty for not stopping at yellow light. and i had to pay my rm300 compound. but they give me 30% discount. i completed all the ordeals at 11pm and reached home at 12am, feeling relieved, exhausted, disoriented, traumatised and all sorts of feelings mixed together.

now i understand perfectly what the phrase ‘brushed with death’ means. i was in that situation. suddenly i realised that i could have died. and at that moment, they could be bringing me to the hospital not for checkup, but for post mortem. then i would be lowered down into the earth and be left alone there, where i would be facing the interrogation, not from the policemen, but from the Malaikat. then i would know whether i was found guilty from all the sins that i had committed. and the punishment i would be facing is not the rm300 compound which is 30% discounted if paid early, but the punishment would be unbearable and worst ever, more than we could ever imagined depending on our deeds. and when that happens, there are no sisters to rescue me, no friends could offer consolation, nobody could help including him. and suddenly i feel so grateful for this life, that i’ve taken for granted. i feel so thankful to Allah for giving me this chance to rectify my faults and repent for all my wrongdoings. and try harder to change myself. and all this i will do with or without him.