Haha..looks like I’m the only one who’s not welcoming the new year. but I’m glad 2009 has passed. it’s not my best year so far. i’ve had better years. in fact, i’ve had so many heartaches and down moments during the year. no doubt, i’ve had a few achievements like getting promoted (hence a huge salary hike), passed my exams, home loan approved etc. but my sadness overshadowed everything else. and the reason of that sadness being….? Ok, there’s no particular event that i can pinpoint to, but the feeling just accumulated, that in the end resulted in an UNFATHOMABLE BLACK HOLE in my heart…

Regardless, life is about being thankful and grateful for what we have. i can’t compare with people who’s happier, or healthier, or wealthier, but…i need to compare with people who are less fortunate than myself…

so, i want to be more positive, and also try to make myself happier. so far, it’s been hard to be happy. but i think i’m improving this past few days. it’s a good sign approaching the new year.

one apparent factor that contributes to my unhappiness is the fact that i don’t have any friends. even just gossip girls would be so nice…not that i have any gossips. but just to hang out while seeping my fave ice-blended choc or ice blended banana caramel once in awhile is a great therapy…looks like i have to join lonely-anonymous group soon…

but let’s not dwell on it. let’s continue work and pray for the best in 2010…wish me luck.

P/S: my best friends, i miss you guys…

i can be considered a manager cos i’m in the third or maybe fourth layer. that’s the problem with public sector where there can be multiple layers of managers on top of you. so, when a particular task has to be done, it will go through all these layers, hence taking a long time to take action.

and also there is no clear picture on job description. on what level should i stop delegating. the problem with delegation of work is that more often than not, it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to be. of course if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself, tapi larat ke nak buat semua kerja.

when i observe other colleagues, or my ex-bosses, they often delegate most of the work to the desk officers, hence making all the work cram in the desk of the officer, literally!! so, i like to reserve the most difficult task to do myself. but this has two main effects, one is denying the chance for the desk officer to learn, and second is that the officer becomes too dependent on me, the boss.

when i was a desk officer, i always do my work independently, ie. always trying to manage everything without going to my bosses. that and the fact that i was an egoistic person, always wanting to show that i can do it myself. but now, i always prefer to refer to my boss, since i’ve learnt that he has different approach as i do, so i might as well follow his approach, else i need to re-do everything twice. and also i notice that lately i’ve lost the ability to make good judgement and also to make good decision. now, actually decision-making is a very important criteria of a good manager. no decision is a bad decision. it’s better to make a bad one, than not making one at all.

that’s why lately i’ve been contemplating on furthering my studies. according to my ex-boss cum my colleague, by going for further studies, it opens our mind to new perspective and really helps in givng new ideas useful in our job.

so i guess, i’m applying for that study grant this year. not guaranteed that i will get it, since they say that the list is ready even before the interview! *gasp* that’s what they say. but we don’t know for sure, so there is no harm in trying. kalau ada rezeki dapatlah. one other problem, i still don’t know how to do the proposal paper. haiyaa…camanelah nak buat master ni, buat paper pun tak reti…

i’m easily stressed nowadays over a lot of things, esp @work, i’m annoyed at the person causing it. sometimes i get stressed @bibik too. but i’m stress all the time. it’s hard to smile when i feel stressed inside.

my stress is causing me to feel as if my health is deteriorating. i’m beginning to feel chest pain, short of breath, headache, sakit tengkuk. angin jgn cerita, mmg makin byk.

and when i feel sick, i feel like i’m dying. yeah, i’m that chronic!

why is it so hard to find good friends nowadays? when i thought someone is a good friend, that i can have friendly chat at the end of the day, it turns out to be the other way around.
when i reminisce, this has started a long, long time ago, and sadly i just do not know where i went wrong. i seemed to be ‘repelling’ friends away. and often i pretend as if i don’t care, but actually, i do. maybe it’s my ego, well, i don’t know.
it is even harder to find friends who share the same values as i do. i put religion as top priority, that includes praying, fasting, wearing muslimah clothes, don’t talk behind someone’s back and so on. but i live in a community that’s just the opposite, and i find it very hard to advice and influence them to be with me. ”Jom kita sign up kelas tajwid”, or ”jom kita dengar ceramah agama?”. how can i advice them?

i feel sad in the office cos since i get promoted, i’ve been left out due to my busy schedule. and i feel that my friends are not supporting me, especially a particular friend in the office. i think she’s starting to draw away from me. nak buruk sangka tak baik pulak..

the point is, i’m not strong enough. i always let other factors affect my emotion and mood, and it is NOT GOOD!!

Rombongan Cik Kiah arrived at 11.30am from kajang/bangi in 2 odysseys consist of mummy, my dad, 3 sisters n 3 broinlaws, 2 nieces, 2 nephews plus 1 maid!! Sarat ngan muatan. Already arrived in ipoh from Kepala batas and taiping are hubby’s sister and bro with their spouses, with 5 kids running around. 

Nway, we started at 12pm. I ordered mi rebus, bihun goreng, roti jala, popia, kuih koci (yumm..best betul, i ate 4 of these!!), choc cake & curry puffs. Byk betul mknan! Best sgt!! Semua org dah kenyang sgt and i tapau some for them.

Nway, Luqman lah yg untungnya sbb dpt byk bday gift. Mostly are toys. De one I’m excited about is Thomas & friends train set. Bukan Luqman yg main tp makbapak dia…haha!!

And yg bestnya, Kak Su ada belikan bday gift for bday gal…Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella and one other motivational book (am I demotivated?)

Maid baru pulak smpai on Saturday. Mmg langkah kanan utk kemas rumah, mop and all for de occasion. She’s 39 and I hope this one will stay. Letih ok asek tukar maid jek..